CHAPTER 1--Prelude to a Journey

CHAPTER 1

PRELUDE TO A JOURNEY

"I needed a break from this chaotic land of the forlorn.

I desperately needed a 'Step Back'."

I stared out at the oblong table surrounded by lawyers; they encircled me as I sat in the glaring light at the very end of the table. I took a careful, casual glance around at each of them and I knew even before the first words were spoken, my path would part separately. It was inevitable. They weren't going to permit a 26-year old who just passed the bar exam to simply walk away with a case pulsating with neon dollar signs on the folder of its being. It was much too valuable for a wide-eyed, innocent lawyer to handle, and indeed, they would wait for that moment of doubt to snatch the case from my weakened grip.

It all began a few months prior when I was asked to speak with Mary Matthews, who lay severely burned and scarred in the hospital after an accident with her automobile. I did so, and after several visits, she requested that I represent her in the lawsuit. I agreed and immediately began accumulating information to support the case, including on my own time traveling to cities all along the eastern seaboard to speak with other lawyers. I gathered evidence and pursued the matter with the vengeance of a newly admitted lawyer who otherwise knew very little about practicing law except hard work.

At the time, the case was small, one in which the senior partner at the firm I worked freely assisted by overseeing the complex process of product's liability litigation.

"It's your case, Brian. That's the policy of the firm, any case you bring in is yours. Only the expenses will be charged against you. I'll just be here to give you a hand whenever you deem it necessary."

It was a comfort, a burst of confidence to have twenty years of litigation experience behind me, and I relied on it. It was my source of strength in pursuing a case I actually had very little background to try. As the weeks passed, however, I quickly built a strong case that something lay precariously below the surface of Mary's injuries, something lurked beyond, and I confidently approached my mentor with this scintillating information.

I stood in front of him as he perused the file and I pleaded the case.

"C'mon Brian, this is all smoke and mirrors," he said as he looked me dead in the eye looking up from the folder, "if it's accurate then you may have something, but I think they're all just blowing smoke up your ass!"

I stood staunchly in front of his desk as another puff of cigar smoke filled the stuffy air of his corner office. I was stunned. I did the work, I knew the facts thoroughly; indeed, I felt strongly that the information I had gathered was reliable and accurate. In fact, I knew it. My time of choice had arrived, and much sooner in my life than I would have ever believed.

For many of us, these times are subtle and imbedded within complexity, and go unheeded, unnoticed. Strangely, in that instant I did recognize on some level the crossroads that stretched out before me, and I knew that this was a turning point maybe not so much in my life, but certainly in my legal career. I was confident in my abilities, and I knew the information I had accumulated was already highly fluid, even incriminating, and we hadn't even gotten into discovery, yet my mentor sat before me seemingly without the slightest hint of its potential impact. I was miffed at his rather obtuse view of the engaging facts before him.

"I don't care if he's got twenty years of experience," I thought, "he hasn't read the full file and I have to believe in myself."

"Well, anything more?" he asked me sternly as I continued to stand before him.

I knew there was only one way to determine if he was being truthful with me, if he was merely testing my confidence, or if he was up to something even more dastardly.

"Yes, actually," I said hesitatingly, "I want it in writing that the firm has nothing to do with this case."

"Oh, now hold on there boy, why do we need to do that. You already have my word."

That's when I knew he was indeed holding back. I didn't know why, but I strongly suspected that he knew the case was bigger than he was letting on. So, I pushed onward, "I definitely think I'm going to need it in writing, sir."

"Well, then this is going to call for a meeting of the partners. You'll have to appear in front of them and explain it."

I had made my choice which path to take, "if that's what it takes, fine," I said as I exited through the doorway of his office and my life changed forever.

I sat nervous, anxious, in front of the most powerful figures in the firm. It was intimidating, and in truth, I was intimidated. The nine menacingly surrounding me, each lining me up, analyzing and each awaiting their opportunity to dig into the callow lawyer before them. The questions began in earnest, and the explosive interrogation ensued. I respectfully answered their questions and even as they grew more hostile, I remained composed. Actually, my confidence grew, I could see so clearly their exposed weakness, greed. The whole matter was about money, each one of them greedily groping, and in turn, each one attempting to draw my blood for it. This was no discussion on getting our verbal agreement on paper, rather this was a full-blown interrogation to break me down, to bring me to my knees, and steal the case.

As the meeting wore on into a stalemate, several partners became increasingly belligerent with my determination and gall not to simply hand the case over to them.

"Look son, you don't know what you're doing, frankly, you're going to cost this woman her life, or at least, a lot of money," an older partner said to me, "it'd be best just to give the case to us."

"Yes," another added, "we're only thinking of the best interests of the client."

"C’mon Brian, be realistic, think of the client!"

Mary had told me that one of the prerequisites to her engaging me as her attorney was that under no circumstances was I to give up this case to anyone else. If I took it, the case was mine to the end. She had put me on the spot and I had accepted this bizarre contingency. As I sat in front of the partners, therefore, I knew it wasn't about money or a percentage of the action, it was about principle, it was about keeping my word, and even though I didn't know it fully at the time, it was about "faith."

Ironically, the partner who now stared me down and savagely laced into me with these probing questions, I knew had previously spoken with Mary before she had made her decision on representation. She had told me so. And she had taken me over him, and more poignantly, she even demanded that I not sell her out especially to another member of the firm whom she had previously rejected. Simply, I was hers and she mine. I respected her "faith," and it instilled within me an energy that bristled with confidence. I was now ripe with conviction, I believed deeply in the case, I believed that no matter the obstacle restricting our path we could, and would, persevere. I then turned toward this partner and remarked with obvious stoicism, "with all due respect, you had your chance Mr. Twiller. You know it and so do I."

The room quickly fell silent, as the other partners were not aware of the fact that one of their colleagues had ever spoken with Mary. In the bulk of confusion that then ensued, I abruptly interrupted, "however…if you want the case, if it means that much, here's what I'll do--"

It quickly stymied the roused chaos in the room and a crippled silence fell absolutely.

"I will rip up the Agreement between Mary and I," I continued, "and you can then make your own plea to her for the case. I will have nothing to do with it. But I can tell you right now, she won't sign with you, or anyone else, you know why?"

I searched among the eyes of the stunned partners and finally added, "because it's not about money--"

"Then what is about, Mr. Fisher, oh, please enlighten us," one of the other partners vehemently spouted off in a sarcastic bilge.

"It's about the fact that I visited her in the hospital, I actually cared. She realized that, and obviously, it meant something to her and now it's too late, it's something you are incapable of providing."

"That's bullshit, Brian, it's about money, it's about money with everyone, and she's no different. You’re deluding yourself!"

I sat composed, almost cocky, because I knew he was wrong. I knew it like I've never known anything else in my short life. So much so I returned, "my offer still stands, I am that confident, sir. I may not know her personally, but I know enough to know the type of person she is, and I know it's not about money!"

The cold stillness now erupted in a ball of raging animosity, and they moved in for the kill hammering at me with vile, personal attacks and accusations. The founder of the firm finally interrupted the onslaught; it was his first remarks in the two-hour deluge and immediately the partners dropped in silence to listen. The air was stifling, thick and consumed with seething tension.

"Brian, my dear boy," he began from the darkness at the opposing end of the table, "I understand your position, but please understand ours. You and I both know this case isn't worth all that much; your green, and frankly, we're just trying to help you both out. It's not a big dollar case, just let us handle it. Let us help this poor woman who has had so much of her life taken away. Brian, let us help her."

I paused in reflection, as all eyes turned toward me.

"Well, I only have one question, sir," I offered solemnly, "I'd just like to know when you read the file?"

Silence again hung in the room and all eyes turned back toward the founder. He stared at me sternly as the gears inside his head violently churned, and with an arch in his brow he lifted the corner of his mouth wryly and smiled.

"I like you, Tiger, I really do," he said with a chuckle as he shook his head slightly back and forth. We both knew it. Either he'd have to admit to covertly stealing the file to acquire the information necessary to assess the case's worth, or in fact, he had never read it at all, and therefore, definitely had no basis for the remark. It was his choice which way to go and we both knew it.

He continued to smile from the end of the table, but decided to stay silent.

"With all due respect, sir," I offered, recognizing that this was my opportunity to extricate myself and the case from their greedy clutches, "I think that it's just best if I take this case and go on my own."

"Yes," he said sedately, still smiling, "I think that would be best, and Brian, you'll have no problem from us. I can see that it's yours. Good luck, Tiger...I am confident that you'll do fine."

My moment of truth had arrived and I had accepted my path of fate. I was on my own. I was completely alone now with this woman's fate resting solely upon my shoulders. I took the case and worked diligently over the next two years from a small room in my house with only a computer and a phone. Everyday that passed, the awesome struggle seemed to mount, and the doubt crept ever deeper as I fought against a dozen other experienced attorneys. They were filing a new brief contesting even the remotest aspect of the law almost weekly in an attempt to wear me down, and it was working. Yet, in the fray of confusion and doubt, Mary never lost "faith," even when she and her daughter were barely making it through the week financially, even when we had already turned down offers to settle, and even when she otherwise had every reason to believe that the case would not pan out. She never lost "faith" in me or the case. Never.

So, it was one of the happiest days of my life, the day I was able to redeem her "faith" with a check exceeding her wildest expectations. And yet in that same moment, and it was one that would haunt me for years to follow, she said, "Brian, I never had a single doubt that this day would come. I always knew you could do it. Thanks for restoring my faith."

Those words would torment me, the meaning, the depth, to simply have that strong of a belief in someone. To just know that it's going to work out. It overwhelmed everything I knew about life, I didn't understand it in the least and this plaguing question eventually would send me around the world in search of its precious answer.

***************

A month later, I laid listless in bed and thought to myself, "I know that I am supposed to do 'something' with this money. It's supposed to help me in some way toward the next plateau of my life." Yet strangely, I knew it had nothing to do with practicing law. It was something deep, something which sat beyond the cusp of the seen or known, something beyond my understanding, and indeed, beyond what I wanted to see or understand. I began to slowly search for answers, to search for the 'purpose' of this case, even for the purpose in my existence, and within this search came even more questions.

I began to probe, to observe closely the world around me, and after so many years of education, so many years of toil, sweat and tears, I had made it to the top and yet I didn't like the view. There really wasn't much to view; in fact, on some level, I abhorred what it took to get to the top as well as its glorified prize. I became disillusioned. I didn't understand what it was I was working so hard for, the money, the success, the achievement, none of it made sense to me on a personal level, and they were the crux of what I'd been taught to strive for all my short life, for it was the heart of the "American Dream."

"This couldn't be what life is about," rung endlessly through my head and yet everyone around me thought I'd actually achieved so much, I had financial independence, I had power, I now held the "American Dream" in the palm of my hand. Yet, I was anything but happy, so many perplexing questions haunted me, the foremost of which was attempting to fathom Mary's "faith."

I dreamt often about the case, where the greedy partners of the firm lined one side while Mary stood alone on the other, and I found myself somewhere in between this massive expanse. I didn't know where I fit, where I stood, and indeed, what I stood for. I was hopelessly lost in this outstretched barren land of desolation. Would I have fought so hard for the cause if the money wasn't there? Would I have given into the partners, the dark side, if Mary didn't possess such strong faith in me? These questions plagued me, and twisted in my mind, they blackened my thoughts and singed my soul for I simply didn't have the answers. It diminished what I had accomplished, and even who I was, for the sea of questions raged within me, creating a tidal wave of scathing doubt. Like my shadow, the doubt followed me and eventually broke me down and left me feeling a gaping void deep within.

As a result, I began to question my motives, my true desire, my purpose, in reaching these artificial goals, and I began to severely question my future. It seemed pointless to strive for goals that weren't appealing, that had no bearing on my life, no influence on making me the person I truly desired to be, no matter what anyone else thought. I became confused, disenchanted with the system, bitter about all that I'd been taught to want, because when I finally achieved it, it all turned out to be so disappointing, almost ridiculously so. I was embittered that I was approaching thirty and as far as society was concerned I was "right on track," in fact, I was a shining star. I had jumped satisfactorily through the appropriate hoops, and the ribbon of "success" was placed adoringly around my neck. Yet, in the midst of this "success," I didn't have foggiest clue as to who I was, what entity lay deep within the skin of my being, and even more troubling, society didn't recognize this blatant inconsistency.

I began, therefore, to question society and its programmed structure, a society that had filled me with robotic-like desires and goals. I didn't know who I was, where I was going, how to be the best person I could be, didn't even have a hint of my inner being, and yet I was perceived to be a "success." I quickly realized that happiness and contentment didn't lie at the end of the rainbow of the "American Dream," only more questions, more pain. I became lost, bound in confusion, perplexed by all that my life stood for to date, all that my society told me to desire and strive to achieve, all that my society demanded from me. None of it made sense and I knew that it struck deeply at the very heart of my existence.

My time had arrived once again. The two paths set out clearly before me; one open and obvious and the other winding and twisting into the dark, penetrating forest of the unknown. The essence of my being hung delicately in the balance. In just three years from standing in front of my mentor's desk, where I realized that my career had reached a crossroads, I now stood before a more obscure desk, one of my own inner consciousness, and I knew that my life was now dangling in the same precarious position. I sensed it absolutely. Indeed, I felt it pervading my soul. I knew to this point in my life, I'd never accepted the easy road, the path of conspicuous simplicity, and it had led me to where I presently stood. My mind whirled, my heart ached, and my internal conscience was consumed with turmoil and strife.

I needed a break from this chaotic land of the forlorn.

I desperately needed a 'Step Back'.