CHAPTER 2

        Driven by the plaguing desire for understanding and the pursuit of "truth," we sling upon our backs all that we own to confront our destiny with the unknown. We leave behind everything we know in the world as we reach out to take the hand of fate, to grip it tightly, and roam its golden path. Nothing binds or controls us, nothing beyond that required to sustain life for the next six months. In fact, our daily responsibilities extend only as far as our backpack and each other. We have tolled the bell of freedom, we have bared our hearts to the dark unknown, and we will finally taste the naked sweetness of all that is life.

I gently push the seat back and look around the plane; I gaze at Bren and let out a deep sigh. It’s an intense emotional release, the melded years-passed drift away, and with the next breath I inhale more than just air, I absorb the basis for all life. The air is warm, my body becomes warm, and my face becomes flush with the intoxication of this tangible life. The moment feels utterly surreal, my body is filled with an energy that has a life all its own, one bound in excitement and adrenaline; it's palpable and it fully consumes me. It's almost as if my entire life has been lived for this moment, that all possible paths lead to this instant in time. It strikes deep inside, and somehow I know that I've waited for this day to come. My mind whirls, I can’t focus. This is the day my life changes forever, and yet I don't know how or why, only that it is changing. I sense the energy within me. It's pure and absolute, and if a moment could ever "feel right," I know this would be it.

I again look at Bren and whisper, "Do you feel it?"

She looks back and with a soft smile says, "Yeah Bri, I feel it."

It's her usual understated means of appeasing me when I begin to feel one of those profound moments that I simply refer to as "living life." It's a time when I literally feel "life" deep within. Those moments when my heart skips a beat, my mind can't think, yet my soul is completely at ease and my body seems to float. Life, for those fragile seconds, becomes almost tangible. With each breath, I inhale all that is "real" about life. All that is living. I feel as if I can in those moments reach out and touch "life"; I can become one. Those are truly the moments during life I remember years later.

The moments we all so cherish.

I slide comfortably back again into the seat and ponder the parameters of this journey around the world. We are on our way to see the world, an utterly different world, one that will challenge our way of thinking, our perceptions, our being, our essence. The grand sights, the people, the cultures, the experiences all lay in the clutches of the unknown, awaiting to be uncovered. The sheer wonder of what lies ahead knocks me into a state of virtual delirium, and it seems virtually incomprehensible.

"What are you smiling about?" Bren gently asked.

"Oh, I didn't know I was actually. I'm just bubbling with adrenaline. Babe, I can't control it, I still can't believe we've finally left Pittsburgh. I want to experience it all right in this one moment, I just can't wait!"

"I know. You have that 'hunger' in your eyes. Come here," she said grabbing my chin and looking deeply into my eyes, "I've never seen your eyes like that before, they’re bursting, you have 'sunbursts' all through them."

"I've longed for this it seems my whole life."

"I know, babe, I know. Well, it's started, we're on our way...finally."

"God, I thirst to touch the world, to fulfill my destiny, to experience the trials and tribulations of life," I said squeezing Bren's hand, "I want to see, taste, smell and hear everything, I want to feel it all. I want to inhale it with every breath, I want to caress all that is life. I want to live. I want to live!"

"Do you feel it?" I asked again with a smile.

"Yeah," she returned with a laugh, "I really do feel it."

I close my eyes and drift into a light sleep, I dream that I’m a child again arching through the air on a swing, and the chilling breeze seems to push the pendulum of being back and forth. I flow with this breeze silently in the still darkness, pushing harder, swinging faster, always striving upward to the stars. The ground is invisible as it lies somewhere beyond the inky blackness, and yet as I reach the apex of my forward thrust, I release the chains and soar anxiously into this foreboding shadow. In the midst of this jump, I wake and it smacks me, grabs me, and cudgels me to my knees—what have we done?

We have liquidated virtually all of our worldly possessions and now leave behind everything we have built in our lives in the crazed hope of discovering something beyond. It's one matter to live out the awesome reality of fulfilling your ultimate dream, and it's quite another to give up the financial security, to throw away all that you've worked for to build, to lack the support of confused friends and family, and to fly directly into the face of the "American Dream." Indeed, we leave upon this expedition as virtual outcasts of American society; I've become the wayward one, a resounding symbol of a breakdown in the "system." I have become, simply, a capricious straggler. In this wondrous scuffle, however, to depart upon this journey in the overbearing face of the "system," I have ascended to accept quite possibly the most valued moment of my life.

"Have I reached the apex of my forward thrust in life?" I thought reflecting on my lingering dream.

I know precisely what brings me to this "first step," for I have been wrestling with that which is "life" for some time now, choking on almost every breath—always fighting against taking that final one just to understand. I have fought to find who I am and how and where I fit, not only in American society but also in the much larger scheme. That is, what is my heavenly purpose and how do I fulfill it. This journey may or may not be a fulfillment, or even a component, of my ultimate purpose in life but I know that it is an achievement of what I have struggled to become and what I strive to be. A precious piece of who I am stretches out plainly before me, and within this undertaking, the decision to confront the being within the flesh of my physical body is conspicuously apparent. I "see" it clearly now, and for the first time in my life I sense a glimpse within, as a glimmer of light breaks through the cracks in the walls of my programmed being.

I want to scream out, cry out at the top of my lungs, "I've done it, I'm doing exactly what I want, yes I'm living life." It's pure freedom. It's palpable, and it flows freely through my veins; it consumes everything that is me, and lifts me to a golden place I've never before experienced. My spirit feels the unbridling, the purity of this emancipation. In this freedom, I realize that departing upon this trip far exceeds any other "accomplishments" in my life; law school, passing the bar exam, the case, they all pale in comparison. For this is the basis of me, of who I am; this is a fulfillment of my inner desire without outside influence, and I’ve given up so much to "feel" its breath, to bring this dream to life. The grand sacrifice, letting go of the chains and flying through the air not knowing where we’ll land merely to actively challenge our being by searching for something we might not ever find, creates the illusion of living almost in a different state of reality. I feel life with every breath, its utterly pervasive and it creates a natural whirlwind of energy that resonates through my whole body. Strangely, its grip is so strong that I feel as if I was just born, for I must have never truly "lived" before this day.

Life actually breathes within me now.

The inside of the plane is still, nothing moves, all remains quiet; it's tranquil. I gaze out the window, I can feel the beating of my heart, I can hear myself breathe, "breathe, breathe," I whisper to myself.

"You're living life, and you're living exactly how you want without a single outside influence. Your life is finally....finally yours. Cherish it," I continue to tell myself as if I am afraid to wake up from this blissful state.

"Oh God, how I love life."

"Why did it take so long to do this?"

"It's odd how when life is reduced to its simplest components, I am happiest. Indeed, I never would have thought that just breathing could be so intoxicating, yet it is!"

I look around at the others in the plane and as I vibrate uncontrollably with energy, I see their placid faces. In this small tube soaring through the air thousands of feet above the earth, I sense the collective confusion, the struggle, the pain, and our solemn void. I somberly realize that what I have experienced in my short life, everyone in one way or another does as well. We all struggle, we all have been taken advantage of, we all have been betrayed, we all have difficulty finding our way. No matter our starting point, we all end up encountering obstacles, dealing with the harsh inequities, the doubt, and the infidelity thrown arbitrarily our way. Our experiences as human beings are all so different, yet ironically, the same. Yes, we are all so different, yet the same.

I glance out the plane window to the dark, night sky, the stars of the heavens dancing above me, and I realize that life, much like this trip, is essentially the opposite of achieving a purpose through "a means to an end." It is precisely the "means" which dictate the person we are and will become; the end result only serves to provide a tangible path. It is, further, the struggles, the obstacles in this path that provide the opportunities to satisfy this "means," and in essence, create the mold of who we are. That is, our character is built from how we deal with these obstacles thrown in our path. The ultimate path then changes according to the decision made, but it doesn't change who we are; rather, it was the "means" of making the decision which impacted the character of the person. In this regard, this journey is but a mirror of life itself.

This journey is therefore our "means" to an "end." The trip only serves as the tangible path but how we deal with the challenges along the way will be what alters our being. It is these obstacles, how we encounter the unknown and embrace the lessons of the cosmos that will provide the depth to our being and hopefully rouse our spirits to new heights. Most importantly, rather than allowing the environment to dictate those life-changing events, we are personally creating the circumstances to mold the "means" of our character. We have turned the tables on this world. We have become "active" instead of "reactive" in developing our inner being, and I sense so completely the liberation.

What does it matter to have "freedom" if you are going to go through life merely be a "reactive" pawn within its grip? If we are given "free will" as a gift in creation, what does it say for us as beings not to utilize this precious link to develop our character, our essence? Ultimately, is it blasphemous not to accept a sense of responsibility with that freedom—regardless of its level of opportunity?

It is this success from failure, or overcoming these obstacles, which ultimately become the true shining achievements in the chronicles of our lives. Oh, and it beats so deeply within my chest that the essence of life is found in the struggle. We have finally escaped from the doldrums of programmed behavior; we are no longer simply mindless toilers mired in the quicksand of American society. We have eluded the powerful grip of repression, and I now sense the liberty, the magic of feeling so free. We have been emancipated from our lives where we were simply marking time, everyday, every week, every year; and it consumes me and lifts me into the sweet hands of harmony. Within this escape, I sense the achievement, the struggle undertaken to attain this release, and I realize that I have on this day reached the first of the summits in my life—I have scaled the first of many mountains. I can feel this so strongly right now, I know that this is my day, my day to look back and see from what depths I have climbed. The beginning of this journey is my day of shining achievement. Why? Because it is on this day that I feel as if I have accepted responsibility for the freedom I was given as an entity—from America and beyond. Ironically, by accepting this responsibility I sense completely the liberation.

Now, I also realize that traveling is the perfect way to direct this vigorous stream of boundless energy, this release and liberation. For what is accepting responsibility without direction and focus? Traveling is the polarized opposite of a typical day in American life and creates the perfect parameters for this profound search. While traveling, every day you encounter the unexpected and are forced to confront life face to face; there's no place to hide, no place to conceal your flaws, and you must overcome and deal with every bump in the road immediately. On a realistic plane this creates a terribly rugged pace from which anything can happen, and this arbitrariness can take you places you never imagined. A long-line of decisions then manifest which directly impact the outcome of the entire trip, yet and most importantly, your weaknesses are exposed and you are forced to rely on yourself and your partner to climb the mountain each day. You are forced to understand yourself, in the flesh and beneath, as well as your partner in order to "survive," not survive in any real sense but rather on a psychological and emotional level. Naturally, this creates an emotional roller coaster that whisks you to depths of feeling you rarely experience in "regular" life. It brings you to the "edge" and this is where you are most apt to determine what lies within the deep crux of your being. It brings you closer to the "real" you; it is the perfect medium to propel me toward understanding my purpose, to see inward and become aware of the world around me.

I revel in being a mere infant in its powerful guiding arms.

Unfortunately, American society attempts to remove this arbitrary element from its culture, namely because it requires an emotional purge and confronting the unknown, which sets up the individual for possible failure. Naturally, this creates instability. Our society stresses efficiency and productivity over individual or collective growth. In fact, our culture is constructed still to this day around "survival," even though we have forged beyond this on virtually every tangible level. American society teaches us to cavort in its culture more than in being human, that you’re an American first and human second. That what is efficient and productive outweighs inner search and discovery, this therefore stresses the "end" over the "means." Simply, this menacing beast emphasizes "results" over the "journey," even if it means losing a piece of ourselves along the way. We explicitly teach this to our children, and we implicitly reinforce it every day of their existence. For me, however, struggling through the rugged and diverse environment of travel brings me closer to the truest and purest essence of life because this "basic programming" is lost. Maybe that’s why my path now takes me beyond America’s borders in search of something, something less invasive but more tangible.

For these reasons, "traveling" is so very different from "vacationing," as it is an experience unto itself if only you choose to confront the challenge of this environment. Indeed, it is a form of survival, one that brings you closer to the land, closer to the purest elements of being human, closer to life. Nothing will be routine, nothing can be taken for granted, and no one will catch you if you slip, if they even notice. There are no comforting boundaries to massage your indecision, the nagging doubt that we live with every day. You instantly become the heel on the loaf of bread, so clearly seen and yet so easily disposed of—you feel this fragility, this delicate hinge with each moment in these obscure lands. In this delicate environment, life seems to take on a deeper, more penetrating presence. It’s raw and pure, and as a result, your emotions and senses are more in tune with the surroundings. The trees are greener, the ocean bluer, the anger fiercer, the laughter stronger, the thoughts more lucid, and the disappointment more disheartening. There is no hiding or sheltering yourself, emotionally or physically, it's a base life, and it smacks you right in the face with the dawning of each new day.

Within this diverse environment, we now have the opportunity to be "seekers" of life instead of merely "existing." We can remove our "programmed" perception of what is important, and seek to discover what truly is important to us personally. We are free to uncover our purpose, our destiny. There's always something new to add to the equation of developing who you are, and isn’t that what life is essentially about? It’s discovery, piercing the darkness of the unknown, seeking "truth" and "enlightenment," that is the journey. It is our journey—collectively and individually. And it’s the natural barrier between merely existing and living. However, keeping an open-mind and consistently trying to challenge the world while remaining patient is the difficult part. Now, as we begin this quest for enrichment of our souls, we have the challenge sitting plainly before us. I see it, I acknowledge it, and I actually yearn for its incisive bite. I know that this trip therefore represents a profound "step forward" rather than a "step back" in my personal life, for I now realize that it's the agony of what's lost, the triumph of what's found; it's self-discovery, it's this journey, yes, it's the basis for human life.

***************

We zipped along the neon strip swarming with color, and I felt like we were in a "Matchbox" car cruising along on a plastic model of a city. It's an artificial world, with the bright and pulsating lights creating the curtain behind this Land of Oz. The boundless energy has a life all its own, and it reached out and snatched us up into its giant clutches. Everywhere I looked there was this pervasive energy, good and bad, pure and toxic, focused and indiscriminate, so open and uninhibited. I became apart of it, this energy, and it harvested that side of myself which lay deep inside waiting to be uncorked, unleashed. This was no ordinary air I breathed, no not at all, and I knew it so intensely that we had arrived in Las Vegas.

On some level, it represented this trip—the artificial world of traveling that creates a completely ulterior, yet distinct, reality. Vegas was indeed a mysterious land, one held discretely behind a black curtain of desire, one in which one "reality" is so distinctly designed to mask another. Strangely, they both have a "life," and it is within this swirling clashing of realities that the truer sense of one’s self emerges. I felt this brilliant contrast immediately; it actually beckoned, for it needed sustenance for its aching belly. I sensed it; I knew it, that in this place, enough was never enough. It’s a slice of culture so dark yet so appealing, but for all that is artificial, the human emotion, the senses are both so utterly "real," and this "realness" bubbles to the surface for everyone who enters this enchanting tomb. Indeed, there is a strong sense of tangible "life" beneath the lights, the colors, the energy, and it is within this realm that I hope the true experiences of the trip will lay, those life-changing moments.

The following morning, we fulfilled a dream as we drove into Grand Canyon National Park and caught our first glimpse of the earth’s most precious deposits. I looked down, up, across, over its massive expanse, and instantly, it took my breath away. I stood in absolute awe at intimidating edge. The canyon itself is anywhere from 4 to an astounding 18 miles wide and is more than one-mile deep in places. The Colorado River below is a mere faint line that snakes its way across the bottom. From where we stood, the Canyon is a "mere" 6-10 miles across, yet it doesn't seem even close to that wide. In fact, it seemed to swallow me up, it took me in its cradling arms and gently rocked away any accurate perception of depth. The other side, because the canyon is so deep, seems instead like a mere stone's throw away—my perception of its dimensions became completely skewed by its sheer immensity. Probably the most spectacular part of the Grand Canyon even beyond its mind-boggling dimensions is the deep, diverse colors which penetrate the Canyon's walls: intense reds, yellows and browns. They burn deep into the eye like that of an artistic masterpiece and softly whisper a sweet melodic story of the years gone by.

We sat down together at the edge of this glorious gorge and ate a late lunch; we were alone in its peaceful grip where we found it immensely difficult to break the serenity. I thought, as I looked out over the valley floor and sheer cliffs before me, of the incredible dimensions and the history of this giant gorge, and once again it took my breath away. It kept happening, again and again. I would grow accustomed to it and say to myself, "it's just a canyon" and then I'd catch it from a different angle and it would once again take my breath away. I would stand before it in awe yet again. That's the way the day went. It became utterly addictive, to charge around the Canyon's edges attempting to capture a different perspective because with every change in angle; the size, the shape and color all naturally formed into its own distinct view, its own unique life.

In that moment, I thought of the grossly differing views of life that are offered between Vegas and the Canyon. They are two different worlds, so unique, so precious, but so remarkably opposed. Both are a reflection of who we are, for they represent America in the flesh and America beneath. They are the poison and the savior, the sullied adulteration and its sanctity, and so much of what is wrong and yet so much of what is right about this world. Both offer a unique perspective, both are equally enticing and both easily suck you into their world. It is within these soft folds of opposition that lay a precious glimpse into the person visiting their worlds, for both hold a mirror up to the onlooker’s being and so aptly display what is inside. For one is "living" life while another is merely existing. And as your eyes behold the sanctity of each of these environments, you instantly "feel" this distinction.

I stand at the edge of this chasm and look out over the endless stretch of outlining rock and the river running through its being. I gaze upon the sharply cut walls that create the valley itself, the inner mountains undulating within its skin, and its spirit flowing freely through its core. This river has literally cut through the walls of this Canyon; indeed, it made the Canyon itself. Would the Canyon not exist except for this source, this creative force running through it? The sun’s rays fill this being, giving it life, and shedding a different perspective and appearance from its resounding golden light. I sense it, this image, and I tremble at the overwhelming reflection. I’m afraid to gaze upon this "truth" that stands so openly before me and I quickly turn away. Even as the light fades, it seems too bright, too penetrating, and it seeks too much. I am held captive by this "truth."

As the sunset, we found a rock next to the rim of the Canyon. With Bren's back against my chest and our heads next to one another we watched the bright yellow ball cresting over the flat desert above the gorge. As the sun descended, the colors of the canyon walls were transformed forever into its own unique mosaic. At times, the colors seemed to become even brighter as the sun diminished, only adding to the sparkle and majesty of one of nature's finest creations. It seemed almost that once the rays of this divine source struck the rock, it retained a piece of that light within; it absorbed its grace. In this moment, where the raw beauty of this colorful expanse stretched out before us, I realized that it was the beginning; it was the inspiring magic of the cavernous gorge that lay ahead for us to explore. Afraid, but undaunted, I knew that the different angles, the depth, the history we sought on this trip would provide its own unique mosaic, one that would weave the blanket of our future. And in this "truth," this Canyon, I knew that afraid or not, my day of reckoning, the day I peer into the depth of my being, was forthcoming; it was my destiny. For I saw its pattern plainly, snaking its way through this masterpiece of creation. I looked over the dimly lit Canyon walls, I gazed upon its immense outline as it quickly disappeared, and as the fear swelled, I smiled. I smiled for I knew that this is exactly where I wanted to be, this time, this place, and this destiny is mine.

***************

We stood anxiously hovering over the roulette table. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a crisp $100 bill. I looked at Bren as I snapped the ends of the bill together.

"Well?" I asked.

"On what?"

"Well, black or red, it gives us roughly a fifty-fifty shot--probably a good bet for Vegas."

"Oh, I don't know, Bri," Bren offered showing serious reservations, "don't you think we should hold onto to it. This is just the beginning of the trip…"

"No, I’m just not up for it," Bren finally concluded.

"But this is what it's all about...we've gotta do it!" I urged with a giant smile, and my body jittering with pure adrenaline.

"C'mon, just think how far that money will go in a place like Thailand...are you sure?" Bren said with a hesitant smile and yet a distinct twinge of excitement.

She was holding back. I sensed it, and immediately began to crank up the wheels of persuasion, "Just think, if we thought that way all the time, we'd never be where we are today...standing in Las Vegas on our way around the world for six months. Stop for a second. Look all around: the slots, the tables, the lights, all the people. We're standing in Vegas, baby, about to go around-the-world," I urged, "this is what we've struggled for...this is it!" I nudged, snapping the bill once again, my eyes wide with hope.

"Okay," Bren said with a twisted smile and shake of her head, "then, let's go for it!"

The wall of doubt had come crashing down as she took the bill from me and snapped it a few more times in her own hand, she felt the test, the risk, and it wound her up like a top, just waiting to be uncoiled.

"Well, I think we've got to do it now," Bren added now fully consumed with the venture, "in fact, it'll be a small tribute to the journey."

"Hell yeah, it's more than a tribute, this is it! This is it!" I cried out, my voice carrying over the jumbled chatter that already filled the casino air.

"Yes, it'll set the tone for it all," I said softer, yet still consumed with the spirit of the moment.

Bren took a deep breath as the dealer called for the next round of bets. We pushed our way through the sprawling crowd encircling the table, and with each of us holding the edge of the $100 bill, we laid it down on the "black" square on the table.

"Cash bet on Black. One hundred dollars," the dealer cried out as he looked up at us with a distinct smile.

The others surrounding the table all quickly looked up at the two of us standing anxiously over our bill. The bill which had forever parted our hands and now laid prominently on a simple black square on the table in front of us. Bren clenched my soggy hand, nervously holding her free hand to her mouth, as the small white ball circled its fated path. I couldn't breathe, I could feel my heart beating in my throat and I began thinking just how stupid it was to throw that money away. I ached, my stomach turned with that little ball, and as it seemed like it would never stop I resisted the sudden urge to snatch my money back from the table and run. As it slowed, all eyes on the table flowed toward us. Our white globe of hope bounced, bounced again, as Bren began hopping around in anticipation, when it found, red, then black, red once again, and finally settled on black.

Bren immediately vaulted into my arms summoning a sharp euphoric shriek, "Oh, my God, we did it, we did it; we won a $100!"

"We did it baby," I said to her as the dealer reached out handing me $200 in chips.

"That's what Vegas is all about," the dealer said to me as I took the chips with Bren still slung around my shoulders. Everyone around the table was glowing, smiling, all offering us their congratulations. Instinctively, we stood entranced in the spirit of the moment, the energy. On some level everyone at the table understood. It transcended the money, the winning, it was a small touch of the sweet part of life that you rarely experience.

It was our first gaze upon the giant gorge. For I realized as we sat in the lounge celebrating that it wasn't the money or even the "rush," as much as it was challenging the unknown and absorbing the risk—even if it was something that no one else understood or would do in the same circumstance. It was money we couldn’t afford to lose, money that would be food down the road, and yet we put it on the table and absorbed the risk. Indeed, it wasn’t some crazed and deluded hope of getting something for nothing, we understood what we could lose, no, it was rationally confronting that which we couldn’t control. And in that instant, we were controlled only by our own will, and we felt this freedom so deeply. We experienced the emancipation from the binds of dictated behavior and freely accepted the randomness of that small white ball. We had flung ourselves into the open blackness by letting go of the chains of the swing. It was our precious beginning; it was our first step toward the dark unknown, toward our growth, toward our destiny, and into the flesh of life itself. And even though we didn’t know it at the time, it was our first step upward.

Would I feel the same if we had lost?

I'd like to think so, and that's the beauty of the entire journey...

Copyright © 2000 PbFisher. All rights reserved.